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I feel bad about this, but my boyfriend is ugly

Are you living with a secret that you just feel responsible even confessing:

“I feel bad about this, but my boyfriend is ugly.”

Maybe you’re frightened that you just’re being shallow, you want you felt otherwise and also you don’t know what to do about it.

In this text, I promise you will discover zero judgement, simply sensible recommendation to information you..

My boyfriend is ugly

Here’s the factor:

You most likely don’t want me to let you know that “ugly” and “beautiful” are extremely subjective phrases.

One lady’s Prince Charming is one other lady’s Shrek, and vice versa.

Even although there does exist sure stereotypical classical requirements of magnificence inside society, the reality is that there is a really lengthy spectrum of particular person style and preferences.

As the age-old saying goes: “Beauty is within the eye of the beholder“. It could also be a cliche but it’s true.

The truth that you just discover your boyfriend ugly is actually important, and suggests there may very well be one thing else occurring.

Sadly, it’s unlikely to be one thing you possibly can merely ignore and hope it’ll go away. You must unravel what is inflicting this sense.

Only then can you determine if it’s one thing that may be mounted or the signs of larger points within the relationship.

How we bodily see people is subjective and it isn’t static

You see a man throughout a crowded room. You are immediately drawn to him. He is like some type of chiselled God.

With pleasure and anticipation, your heart begins to beat sooner as he crosses the room to speak to you.

All sorts of romantic situations furiously begin to play out inside your thoughts.

But as he opens his mouth to talk, what falls out over the subsequent jiffy all of the sudden turns into the most important turn-off.

Until half-hour later as you stare at him, you possibly can’t even see anymore what you had initially discovered so handsome.

The options you admired at first have pale quick. Once you bought to know him, he seems solely completely different now. He’s really type of ugly the truth is.

Many of us have had this expertise, or one thing related.  And we’ve got additionally had it in reverse too.

You meet somebody who you weren’t immediately drawn to, but that attraction grows with time.

People can “magically” turn out to be both ugly or good-looking

To additional illustrate my level above I need to share two examples from the vaults of my personal love life.

When I first met considered one of my ex-boyfriends, initially I wasn’t even barely drawn to him.

I’ll be blunt. I didn’t discover him good trying. I wasn’t thinking about him romantically within the slightest.

But as I obtained to know him, he remodeled earlier than my very eyes. Our appropriate personalities made me discover him better-looking.

And I don’t imply that I missed him not being cute. And was keen to see previous it, as a result of I am such a mature and advanced individual, blah blah, blah.

I imply, I began to actually see him otherwise.

I not discovered him bodily unattractive when I seen different interesting character traits he had. He turned bodily hotter to me as I discovered his character hotter.

On the opposite hand, I even have an ex-boyfriend who was a mannequin.

He was so lovely to me (and I’m guessing to a number of different people too) and I was extraordinarily drawn to him immediately.

I couldn’t consider how fortunate I was to have discovered such a handsome man who I obtained on so properly with too.

But by the tip of our relationship, he borderline disgusted me. When I checked out him I not noticed this good-looking mannequin.

His worst options jumped out at me, and I noticed them written throughout his face.

The issues in our relationship that we couldn’t navigate made him look very completely different to me. We by no means had sex anymore and I didn’t actually need to go close to him.

I share this data with you to hopefully spotlight my level that:

You might imagine it’s about seems but the truth may very well be one thing completely completely different.

You might imagine that you just discover your boyfriend “ugly” and it’s an aesthetic downside in your relationship (and it may be— which we’ll get to later) but it additionally may very well be an emotional one.

What to do for those who like a man’s character but not his seems?

I promised you zero judgment from this text, and that’s a promise I intend to maintain.

Because not being bodily drawn to somebody doesn’t make you shallow or a bad individual in any means.

As we’ve already seen, attraction is very difficult and multifaceted.

But I will probably be trustworthy with you. Because I suppose that’s vital so as to discover actual options to the issue you’re dealing with, fairly than child your self.

So right here’s the factor:

You can’t be drawn to your boyfriend AND suppose he is ugly.

Because the 2 are contradictions.

You might acknowledge that:

  • He’s not your traditional sort
  • Physical attraction is not on the prime of the checklist for what makes the connection so robust
  • That different people may not see in him what you see in him.

But in case you are drawn to him, you’re impossible to concurrently consider him as “ugly”.

Why?

Because as illustrated above, personal qualities ARE engaging. They are simply as engaging, if no more, than physical seems.

Presumably, once you first met, you had been attracted to those qualities?

They drew you in the direction of him and maybe made you see him in a special gentle.

If he had been ugly and unkind, silly, impolite, boring, and many others. I’m guessing you wouldn’t be with him proper now.

So the large question is, regardless of the very fact you’re not attracted soley to his seems, are you attracted sufficient to different things about him?

“My boyfriend is not good-looking” definitely isn’t a deal-breaker for some people.

At the tip of the day, it doesn’t actually matter in case your boyfriend is handsome or ugly. But it 100% does matter in case you are drawn to him.

Is it regular to seek out your partner unattractive?

Relationships, identical to people, are difficult.

If you had been to ask me, is it regular to not be drawn to your boyfriend generally? I’d answer back with a wholehearted YES.

Because the reality is that love and relationships in actual life aren’t like they’re within the motion pictures.

Hollywood and fairytales have completed us an enormous disservice in organising far-fetched expectations for what real-life romance actually includes.

In the actual world, you see all sides of somebody. Not the peerlessly manicured and curated model.

We see one another very first thing after waking up, laid naked with sleepy eyes, mattress hair, and morning breath.

We are aware about the lower than glamorous points of every day life. Like the truth that everybody has to poop, and all the opposite lower than attractive bodily capabilities.

They don’t present that within the motion pictures do they?!

Relationships also can turn out to be strained. Some days it’s possible you’ll get up and feel annoyed along with your partner. Because relationships may be exhausting.

At different instances you may undergo bad patches or phases in your relationship the place things aren’t so nice.

And on these days, or throughout these instances, it’s completely regular to seek out your self considering: “I find my boyfriend unattractive sometimes”.

The issues actually set in although when this thought turns into sustained.

Do what you need from love and a relationship?

I made the purpose above about how our expectations about love, romance, and relationships can turn out to be tainted.

We typically anticipate on our companions to supply things to us that may be fairly unrealistic. And this cuts to the heart of one of many nice romance downside so many people face:

Why does love so typically begin out nice, solely to turn out to be a nightmare? And what’s the answer to dwindling attraction inside a relationship?

The answer is contained within the relationship you may have with your self.

I realized about this from the renowned shaman Rudá Iandê. He taught me to see by means of the lies we inform ourselves about love, and turn out to be actually empowered.

As Rudá explains on this thoughts blowing free video, love is not what many people suppose it is. In truth, many people are literally self-sabotaging our love lives with out realizing it!

We must face the details about attraction:

Far too typically we chase an idealized picture of somebody and build up expectations which might be assured to be let down.

Far too typically we fall into codependent roles of savior and sufferer to attempt to “fix” our partner, solely to finish up in a depressing, bitter routine.

Far too typically, we’re on shaky floor with our personal selves and this carries over into toxic relationships that turn out to be hell on earth.

Rudá’s teachings confirmed me an entire new perspective.

While watching, I felt like somebody understood my struggles to seek out love for the primary time – and eventually supplied an precise, sensible resolution to making a healthy and joyful relationship that I can feel content material in.

If you’re completed with unsatisfying dating, irritating relationships, and having your hopes dashed time and again, then this is a message you have to hear.

Click right here to look at the free video.

Is the connection as nice as you suppose?

As we’ve already established, attraction goes far deeper than simply seems alone.

So, the best way you’re seeing him proper now in an unattractive gentle may really be because of shifts which have taken place emotionally.

If you feel like your boyfriend is ugly then I’m guessing it was by no means his seems that first appealed to you.

You should have discovered different things about him extra vital. But as time has handed, possibly you may have stopped specializing in these things.

Perhaps different strains throughout the relationship have began to trigger rigidity. And so your focus is not on what you actually preferred about him.

Without the presence of those constructive emotions towards him, you discover and give attention to the dearth of physical attraction to his seems as an alternative.

So my inquiries to you’ll be:

  • Is the connection as nice as you suppose?
  • Have your priorities shifted?
  • Has your relationship modified to make you feel otherwise?

Do some soul looking, dig deep, and be trustworthy with your self about different points there may be which may very well be inflicting you to feel this manner.

How to extend attraction in a relationship

If you aren’t able to throw within the towel and also you need this relationship to work there are things you are able to do to attempt to improve your attraction.

If that you just do nonetheless discover many things about your boyfriend engaging, it’s time to reinforce these things.

1) Remind your self of the qualities that drew you to him within the first place

Mindset is vital. Your attraction is created in your individual thoughts. And what we give attention to in life is what we discover.

Being grateful for what you may have really rewires the brain to be extra constructive, and is one thing you possibly can prepare your thoughts to do.

Remind your self of all his highest traits and what makes him attractive and engaging aside from his seems.

2) Work in your mental and emotional connection

There are many various components in a relationship that result in attraction.

Focusing on these different points may help strengthen the attraction, like your emotional and mental bond.

Talking to one another and rising nearer can do wonders for bringing back that spark.

3) Have enjoyable collectively

Try to inject some pleasure by doing things the place you get to get pleasure from one another’s company.

When you snort and play collectively you launch a number of feel-good hormones that may improve attraction.

All relationships are a compromise

The fact about grown-up relationships is that all of them contain compromise.

Every single one. Because no person is good.

The “full package” doesn’t actually exist. It begins and ends with the notion of the one that is viewing it.

We typically have a guidelines of what we think about we would like from a partner, after which we meet the alternative. But it simply works.

Then swiftly you don’t care a lot about sure things anymore that you just had been as soon as positive mattered a lot.

But it’s important to work out, what is most vital to you and what you actually need?

And solely you possibly can answer that. It’s going to be completely different for everybody.

Not everybody is as involved about physical attraction inside a relationship.  But for a lot of different people, it’s a really important ingredient to ensure that them to have a healthy and joyful relationship.

What you have to suppose about is whether or not you possibly can “sacrifice” having a really handsome boyfriend for different qualities he brings?

And one factor to recollect is:

This is not at all times a question you possibly can answer using your head.

Your logic might let you know one factor, but your heart might not have the ability to get on board.

You can inform your self all day lengthy that his personal qualities matter greater than his seems. But except you possibly can actually feelthat means too, you’ll proceed to be tormented by the identical downside.

And that downside is this…

You desperately need to like him, but you don’t

I’m not suggesting you don’t suppose he is a pleasant individual or an excellent boyfriend — otherwise you most likely wouldn’t be with him.

When I say “like him” I really imply feel drawn to him.

You can really suppose he’s kinda conventionally ugly and never give a rattling, since you’re nonetheless drawn to him.

But for those who’re not drawn to him, it isn’t one thing you possibly can simply sweep below the rug and attempt to ignore.

Yes, you could find somebody more attractive once you get to know them.  But if that’s simply not occurring, then having a pleasant character isn’t going to cancel out this lack of attraction you feel.

No matter how a lot you try to speak your self round.

Please know this:

  • You will not be a bad individual, magnificence is personal and relative.
  • Looks aren’t all the things but attraction is vital and it’s not one thing you possibly can pressure your self to feel for those who simply don’t.
  • You’re not shallow for those who resolve to interrupt up since you don’t discover somebody engaging.

No one thinks my boyfriend is cute

I’m working out of how to say that attraction is subjective, so I received’t labor the purpose anymore.

What you’re into has been formed by so many components and circumstances distinctive to you.

I’ve actually lost depend of the variety of instances my pals and I have had fully reverse sorts in males.

I have a tendency to consider this as an excellent factor, that means we’re not going after the identical man.

It doesn’t matter what everybody else thinks, but it issues what YOU suppose.

You are the one dating him, you’re the one who must be physically intimate with him.

If you feel embarrassed of an ugly boyfriend, then the possibilities are you simply aren’t drawn to him.

What do I do if I’m not drawn to my boyfriend?

Sure, it’s not cool to base a whole relationship solely on seems. But neither is it more likely to work out in the long run if there is zero attraction.

You may suppose, yeah but my boyfriend is unattractive but I nonetheless love him. But you have to take into account whether or not that love is platonic or romantic.

It’s completely true that appears fade as we age, and what you’re left with is the individual. But attraction doesn’t must fade in the identical means, as a result of it’s primarily based on extra than simply what the exterior shell seems like.

If your boyfriend’s seems are a deal breaker for you, then that’s simply the way it is.

Don’t decide your self, admit it to your self. It’s not shallow, as a result of the truth is that you just want attraction in a relationship to maintain it.

Ugly is fairly a powerful negative response to somebody’s physical look. If you actually suppose that about him, then you definately each deserve higher.

We all should be with somebody who appreciates us for who we’re. This applies to each him and also you.

So if this isn’t the man for you, let him go and let him discover somebody who will feel that means about him.

And consider me, someone will, as a result of “one man’s meat is another man’s poison.”

I’m positive you care about him. I’m guessing you want that you just felt otherwise. But there comes some extent when you have to get actual with your self, for each of your sakes.

Don’t lead him on. Don’t let things deteriorate till you begin to be unkind or disrespectful in the direction of him, he doesn’t deserve that.

You are blocking one other lady from coming alongside who finds him drop-dead attractive. And you’re blocking your self from discovering a man who you discover engaging within the methods you actually want.

If you genuinely discover your boyfriend completely ugle, then that’s not one thing that is really easy to come back back from.

To conclude: Get tailor made recommendation to your scenario

While I hope this text will give you a extremely complete means that can assist you take care of your lack of attraction to your boyfriend, it may be useful to talk to a relationship coach about your scenario.

With knowledgeable relationship coach, you may get recommendation tailor-made to the particular points you’re dealing with in your love life.

Relationship Hero is a web site the place extremely skilled relationship coaches assist people navigate advanced and troublesome love conditions. Yep, even difficult matters like discovering your boyfriend ugly.

They’re fashionable as a result of they genuinely assist people clear up issues.

Why do I advocate them?

Well, after going by means of difficulties in my personal relationship, I reached out to them a number of months in the past.

After feeling helpless for therefore lengthy, they gave me a novel perception into the dynamics of my love life, together with sensible recommendation on learn how to overcome the problems I was dealing with.

I was blown away by how real, understanding, {and professional} they had been…and with zero judgment.

In only a few minutes you possibly can join with a licensed relationship coach and get tailored recommendation particular to your scenario.

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